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[Feb. 24th, 2005|02:26 pm] |
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yesterday as i ran home from school in the middle of 6th hour i seriously wanted to die. i had no one to turn to, no one that would understand what i was going through. yeah i have people who say they are there for me but they are the hardest to talk to, why that is im uncertain but it could be because they are the ones who would understand.
Why am i afraid to let paople know who i am? and when i think im ready to let someone know ME why do i freeze up and not say anything? am i this crazy person? do i have the same feelings as others do? am i all alone in this world?
I am lost in my own thoughts! |
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[Oct. 6th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
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this is so true my mom made me change my hours of availibility, everybody stares at my boobs, but i dont know if my friends think i need a fuck buddy ( i do by the way) |
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[Aug. 31st, 2004|04:12 pm] |
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[Jul. 19th, 2004|07:24 pm] |
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Happy Fucking Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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[Jul. 18th, 2004|02:59 pm] |
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[Jul. 14th, 2004|01:18 pm] |
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I found myself sitting in a room full of people, some I knew for years and others I just met that day, I looked around and didn't feel like I belonged, like these people were judging me and criticizing me and not accepting me for who I am, even though they were acting like a friend. I find myself always self-conscience around any one, always thinking "what are they thinking about me? Do they hate me? Do they want me to disappear? Do I look funny to them?" I don't like being around people a lot of the time because I feel I will have a nervous break down because of all the things running through my mind. When I am alone the only one who can criticize me is ME, I hate being alone too because I think of all the things I need to improve so that people cant judge me but I'm not strong enough to follow through with them and start to improve, I sit and fall deeper into depression and eat to find comfort in something and then end up hating myself more because I keep gaining more and more weight, something I think about improving all the time and something I feel people judge me on. When it all comes together I wonder if I will ever just be happy and all this stuff that runs through my head now will just stop and if it stops will I think about something else as much as I do the stuff now and will it also drive me crazy? |
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[Jul. 14th, 2004|09:51 am] |
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I dont want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldnt cry if you walked away...I'd die
I want a guy to say this to me and really mean it... i want to be in love with a guy who loves me back! |
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[Jul. 3rd, 2004|04:17 pm] |
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[May. 25th, 2004|12:03 pm] |
here is something i wrote like two weeks ago: And again i fell for your words, i believed you this time, thinking maybe you could care for another person, that you wouldnt stabe me in the heart agian, and leave me to fix my heart for the next time you want to stabe it, now as i stich the pieces of my heart back together i say to myself this will never happen again.
well i have to go but i will update more later |
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[May. 18th, 2004|06:57 pm] |
THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless
acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone
to=
sleep yet.
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport |
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[May. 18th, 2004|06:35 pm] |
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
29. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you? |
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| my egg |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|07:57 pm] |
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[Apr. 21st, 2004|02:30 pm] |
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earlier today I was reading some of my old writings I have in a notebook, here are a couple of the short ones...
this was written 2-18-04
eyes...they are all around us, looking at every small movement we make, every little imperfection we may have, they see everything. you can find eyes in anything, even non living objects, such as walls...walls are in many places and see many things...or trees and plants they too have eyes and see many things. no matter where you go or what you do... you cant escape the eyes!
this was written 3-10-04
green meadows filled with many beautiful flowers, bright blue sky's for miles to see, a light breeze to calm the suns rays, no humans in sight, THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE!!!!!
I don't know when this one was written but yeah-
A badly bruised girl sits in a the middle of a highly populated park. Her body covered in scratches and bruises, she has nothing but what she carries with her. Her name goes unknown and her voice never heard all because she goes unnoticed.
tell me what you think. |
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[Apr. 20th, 2004|05:25 pm] |
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I love the way you love yourself, I hate the way you show it!!! |
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[Mar. 30th, 2004|06:49 pm] |
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its tiny and pink and it goes eep eep eep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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[Mar. 22nd, 2004|02:25 pm] |
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i am so lonely and depressed right now i feel as if i was to die right now no one would notice or even care if they did. |
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[Mar. 14th, 2004|02:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
as tears roll down my face i think of why people dont like me... it seems as soon as people get to know me they dont want to be my friend any more or they just forget about me... i sit at home now all by myself my hands shaking making it harder to type... no one ever calls me any more to go out and do any thing... i have no friends.............................
...................................................................................................................................................................................... |
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[Mar. 12th, 2004|05:59 pm] |
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All i want is to be 120... not 130 or 135 but 120 thats all |
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| grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr |
[Feb. 20th, 2004|05:06 pm] |
today has been ok until i got home from school, first kevin was being an asshole (every day thing) then my grandparents arrived and were(still are)complaining about the heater being on 80, they like it on 60 but i freeze when its on 74 so yeah, then they were telling me my mom would have more money if i didnt put the heat up so high but my mom also likes it on 80, so i just gave up.
lately i have been hanging out with terena and spencer alot, almost every day. its really fun we go to starbucks alot... and every saturday we go to rocky horror then to dennys... yea... my mom has even adopted them because they are always here and can talk to her about any thing.. they are awsome.. they are probaly the only ones who read this...love you guys
the other night i noticed i throw away aloy of stuff that alot of other people would save...is that bad?
well got to go |
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